January reading.

January has been a good month for reading. Last night I started my seventh book of the year, which must be some kind of record for me. I remember last year—I think it took me nearly two months to finish “Cutting for Stone,” a beautiful novel and one of my favorites. But, the stress of moving and starting a new job pushed luxury reading to the back seat for me. I think the seven books I’m plowing through this year really show how differently I’m approaching life in 2012. Making time for things I love, things that relax me, things that bring me peace.

So I thought I’d share my reading list in case any of you are stuck in a reading slump or looking for something to add to your library: (Also, I know I blogged about a few of these before in my 2012 Reading List post, so if you’re bored, just skip over it.)

“Chosen” by Chandra Hoffman was my first book of 2012. I stumbled upon it after reading a Jodi Picoult book last year. It was in the back of the novel as a recommendation for readers who liked the book I was reading. It must have the same publisher. But I didn’t really have anything first on my list for 2012 at that time, so I picked it up. It’s an interesting perspective on social work, relationships and creating a family. It made me thing about all of the different ways there are to start a family and how many different types of families there are. It made me appreciate the simple-ness of my own family, even when it seems like we’re crazy. There’s a lot to be thankful for.

“Bittersweet” by Shauna Niequist. Ya’ll know by now how much I love  Shauna. She’s made me reopen the Bible, think about scripture and strive for a life of grace. “Bittersweet” (which I think I’ve blogged about before) is a book of essays about finding the sweetness in sad, bitter moments. It’s about learning to grow and thank God for giving us opportunities to grow out of sadness. So beautiful.

“Bossypants” by Tina Fey. I listened to this one on audiobook. So, so funny. She’s smart, cheeky and beautiful. Love it.

“The Marriage Plot” by Jeffrey Eugenides. As I’ve said before, “Middlesex” is one of my favorites. I’m not sure that this one could hold a candle to “Middlesex,” but I really enjoyed it none the less. However, through the second half of the book, I wanted to sit the protagonist down and tell her to pull her life together. Somebody needs a little more of a backbone. Still totally worth reading—I learned a lot about mental illness, and I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to be in an intimate relationship with someone so burdened by disease.

“Blue Nights” by Joan Didion. I read this one at Shauna’s recommendation, and I’m sad to say that I was a little bit disappointed. It’s a memoir that details the writer’s life in the months after she lost her mother, her husband and her daughter in a very short span of time. I’m trying not to judge because I cannot imagine that kind of sadness. Maybe because of that, I wanted it to be more emotional, more raw, more open. I found it a little bit reserved, and I didn’t feel like I knew the author at all by the end of the book. But since she’s such an acclaimed essayist, I’m thinking about giving another one of her books a shot.

“Nantucket Nights” by Elin Hilderbrand. I love Elin. She writes some of my favorite chick-lit. Generally, I don’t find myself reading too much of this genre, but I cannot get enough of her. I think I need to sprinkle in some lighter novels to mix it up every once in awhile, and Elin is one of my favorite ways to accomplish that.

“Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert. I was one of those people who instantly wanted to forego a real career after reading “Eat Pray Love” and immediately buy an open ended plane ticket to Bali and not look back. Then I remembered that I hate flying over water, struggle when I’m lonely and am not great at making friends. A year of solo international travelling might not be for me. Regardless, I’m already enthralled in Gilbert’s newest book. After rejecting the institution of marriage (not shockingly after her bitter divorce), she’s forced to marry her new love in order to get him legal residence in the United States. She’s honest and funny, and I like that she’s not afraid to tell you exactly what she’s thinking.

So those are the books on my Kindle right now. Last night I also picked up another Elin Hildebrand (don’t judge…even Shauna raves about “The Blue Bistro”) and “The Language of Flowers” by Vanessa Diffenbaugh. I’m going on a ski trip this weekend, and considering I don’t ski or go outside in cold weather, I think I’m going to have lots of time for reading. Can’t wait!

To snuggling up with new books,

Lia

My deficiency...and a wonderful weekend.

So ya’ll have been reading my blogging about my inability to wake up in the morning for quite some time now. I’ve been blaming this on laziness, lack of sleep, work stress, etc. for months, but I think this week I finally figured out the cause of my morning problems: Vitamin D. I went to the doctor’s on Tuesday for my usual check-up and came out with a lot of updates on my health. I’ve learned I have a heart murmur (not too unusual considering both of my parents have one), but still something that needs to be further checked out. The physician felt small lumps on my thyroid, so I’ll need to get those evaluated, as well. (However, my blood work came back fine for thyroid levels, so it’s likely nothing, but again, still need to get it checked out.) However, what did come back as a bit of a surprise in my blood work were my Vitamin D levels. Apparently the lowest you’re ever supposed to register is 34…but I’m currently at a 19. Oops.

I’ve done a lot of googling over the past few days, and I’ve learned a lot about Vitamin D. For one, insufficient levels can cause extreme fatigue and muscle aches. Ah ha! Also, Vitman D doesn’t generally occur in foods we eat (though eggs and milk are frequently fortified with a little extra Vitamin D). The sunlight provides our body with Vitamin D, but when you work all day in an office and most days don’t even go outside, that’s likely not going to be enough. Plus, in the winter, we’re so covered up that the sun doesn’t hit our skin anyway. Even in the summer, sun screen can interfere with our body’s ability to process the D anyway, so if we’re being smart about our skin, we might not get enough even in the summer.

So, moral of the story is that I have a prescription for highly concentrated Vitamin D on the way, so I’ll be taking that for the next eight weeks and hopefully feeling more energized!

In other news, M came down for the weekend and we had a such a special time together. It was one of those weekends that I felt as though we really made an effort to make each other happy. We did things we both enjoy. We got outside (the weather was absolutely beautiful…sunny and bright and not too cold), we had a delicious dinner, we went dancing and watched movies. It was perfectly special and we enjoyed each other’s company so much. This morning we made our slightly hungover selves a big breakfast of over-easy eggs, everything bagels, hash browns, bacon and pineapple. (The bacon probably wasn’t great for my slightly elevated LDL cholesterol levels that also came back in my blood work, but can’t win them all. The eggs probably weren’t great for it either, now that I think about it.)

Regardless, I’m missing him terribly, but I’ll be back in Pittsburgh for work on Thursday, so it won’t be long until we’re back together. I’ll leave you all with a picture from our Arlington Cemetery trip on Saturday afternoon. Such a peaceful resting place for so many of our nation’s heroes.

To a lovely, lovely weekend,

Lia

Listening.

Last night I had every good intention of coming home from work, changing into workout clothes and heading to the gym. I’ve put myself on a schedule:  Gym on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday…sometimes Friday. Wednesday is my day off, which this week I spent trolling the aisles of Target and spending $150 on shower products, workout clothes and recipe binder supplies. But last night when I got home, I was tired. I’m not sure how I was tired since I believe I got nine hours of sleep the night before, but I just wanted to lay on the couch. So instead of braving the rain and going to Gold’s, I poured a large bowl of potato chips, ordered jalapeno and pineapple Papa John’s and popped “New Moon” into the DVD player. Then I felt guilty.

You might be thinking that my guilt prompted me to get in a couple miles on the treadmill before indulging in the Twilight saga, but no, it only made me refill the chip bowl and check the online status of my pizza delivery.

These moments are a balance, I think. Too many makes you feel sluggish, lazy, sleepy, large. But once in a while, I think these moments are just what our bodies and our minds need. A night off. A time to indulge. Greasy chips, greasy pizza. Lots of water.

I don’t think I’ve quite found the right balance because I think I’m indulging in these moments maybe a little too often. M would probably tell you that I have these moments WAY too often. I can’t help it. I’m fond of the couch. I like watching movies. I really like junk food. But last night I think it was just what I needed. I had a strange day at work. I felt betrayed by a friend. I was a little bit lonely. And sometimes a few hours on the couch is all we need to get out of this funk. (Now, to be fair, I think 30 minutes on the treadmill probably has the same effect of pushing me out of a bad mood, but somehow that seemed like way more effort than I had in me last night.)

And I think it worked. Today, I’m feeling much calmer and happier. I was smiling at work this morning. (My boss actually looked surprised and asked me why I was so cheerful.) I feel well-rested, like I have a clean slate. I’m looking forward to M’s visit tonight, and I’ll probably have enough time to get in a quick gym session after work before he arrives.

I didn’t fold my laundry. I didn’t clean the apartment. I didn’t go grocery shopping. But those things are forgive-able. Weekend guests will certainly prefer me to be in good spirits with a clear head instead of cranky but with an immaculate apartment. I think it comes back to determining the things we “don’t” do. I’ve blogged about this before. What are we willing to give up to be the people we want to be? Am I willing to give up some time at the gym, a clean apartment, folded laundry to feel a little bit more sane tonight? Yes. Can this become an ongoing pattern? No. Because that will make me insane. But for one night, it’s okay.

I think we need to give ourselves a little bit more leeway…without becoming lazy, sloppy people. We need to listen to our bodies when they tell us to slow down, to relax, to sleep in, to eat a whole pizza. Once in while, this indulgence will allow us to clear our minds and calm our spirits, which will make us better people. It’s okay to give up our little neuroticisms for a few hours. Let it go. And as a Type A crazy person, this isn’t easy to say or do. I get it. But try.

To pizza and chips on Thursday night,

Lia

Week Update.

I was being such a good, regular blogger there for awhile. Then I fell off the wagon. Last week was a great blend of not working too much, cooking delicious meals, catching up on TV shows and a weekend trip to visit M. With work being a little bit slower, I had plenty of time for looking up new recipes, cook dinner for a sweet friend and peruse the aisles of Trader Joes. I also got in a few trips to the gym and finished my fourth book of the year. January has been a good month for reading.

This weekend I headed to Pittsburgh to spend some time with M and attend his work holiday party. There was a terrible storm rolling through the Midwest on Friday night, and I made it to Pittsburgh just minutes before the heavy snow hit. Ya’ll know how much of an anxious driver I am, so I was gripping the wheel the whole way through the mountains as the flurries were blowing. Luckily, the brunt of the storm held off until my car was safely in park. Friday night we relaxed, watched TV and got a good, full night’s sleep. Saturday I had the sweet pleasure of taking my “little sister” pottery painting and out for bagels. We had such a fun time catching up and being crafty together. I’m so glad that our relationship has been able to be sustained even though I moved away.

Saturday night we headed out in a limo with some of M’s coworkers to the country club where his company was holding their holiday party. For some reason, they always have their party in January—something about getting more people to attend. It is kind of nice to have something to look forward to after all of the holiday cheer has worn off, but I don’t know.....I didn’t quite feel like I was in the holiday spirit. Regardless, they had beautiful Lenox centerpieces to give away (which M won!), and I’m so looking forward to setting out our new ceramic Christmas tree next year.

Sunday we slept off the night before, had a greasy lunch at Red Robin (yum!) and watched a movie before I headed back to D.C. As always, it went to fast, but I’m very much looking forward to M visiting me in Virginia this weekend.

This week has started to pick-up at work, so I’ve been plenty busy during the day. So much so that I haven’t had a chance to pull recipes or make a grocery list this week, so I’ve been pulling together some unusual lunches and dinners. Hopefully tomorrow I will find a moment to figure out what I’m making M for dinner on Friday night. Any suggestions??

This week I also started “Blue Nights” by Joan Didion. My girl Shauna recommended this book on her blog, and though the book is a bit different than I expected, I’m enjoying her perspective and getting used to her writing style. After reading Shauna, I thought all essayists were kind of similar: straightforward, convicted, blunt. But now I’m realizing that there are a million ways to craft the story within the essay. Didion is crafty, sly and slow with her words. You have to keep reading and keep paying attention, story after story, essay after essay. But I’m trying to keep up, and I’m constantly astonished at this woman’s sorrow, heartbreak after heartbreak within her immediate family. At seventy-five, she’s become the kind of strength that I certainly aspire to be.

That’s it for tonight, friends. I’m curling up on the couch and watching Sunday’s Desperate Housewives!

To reading and cooking,

Lia

On cooking.

New year’s resolution #5: Cook for myself and for friends. So the whole resolution thing might have gotten off to a slow start, but I think I’m actually doing pretty well on my cooking guideline. Last week for dinner I made chicken with a tart lemon and dill sauce that was so good I ate it for dinner three nights in a row. This was my first attempt at a rue, and even though I had no idea what I was doing, it turned out pretty well. Later that week, I had another first—roasting. I can’t believe I haven’t done this sooner for several reasons: 1) It’s so simple. Throw a variety of vegetables on a pan, toss with olive oil, maybe some lemon juice and a few spices, and pop in the oven. 2) It’s delicious. I made brussel sprouts, and they were tender but still crisp and full of flavor. 3) It makes great leftovers. I took left over sprouts to work the next day for lunch. The flavor was just as sharp and they weren’t soggy at all, even after a quick zap in the microwave.

Then on Friday, I tried my hand at pot roast. M was coming in to town to visit, and usually I cop out and order pizza or something to feed him when he arrives. But last week was cold and a little dreary, so I thought a hearty dinner might warm us up a bit and, if nothing else, he’s an easy audience for a new recipe. However, the last time I tried to cook red meat for M on a Friday night, I ended up in tears in the kitchen because the broiler wasn’t working the way I wanted it to. Imperfection is not my strong suite.

But this time, I decided that no matter what it looked like, I wouldn’t get upset. Pot roast cooks for hours on a low temperature, so I would have plenty of time to correct any mistakes that popped up along the way. However, I didn’t have to worry. It turns out pot roast is incredibly easy to make. Plus, you can throw the carrots and potatoes in the same pot as the meat, so the side dishes cook right along side the main course. And, you only have to wash one pot! The only tricky part is making the gravy after the meat has cooked. Luckily, I had already experimented with rue earlier this week, so I was ready with my flour and water mixture, but somehow it got a little lumpy as I whisked the rue into the broth and pan drippings. I was ready to strain the gravy through a sieve, but the lumps smoothed themselves out after a few minutes of whisking while boiling. The gravy thickened and was a great complement to the meat and vegetables. I threw a few biscuits in the oven as M arrived, and we curled up on the couch for a rich winter dinner.

This week, I’m testing my resolution on my first “real” audience. Sorry M, you don’t count as real. I’m having a few girlfriends over for dinner on Thursday, and I’m planning the menu. I’m planning to make chicken burgers with orange and rosemary under the broiler with a thick balsamic onion sauce sweetened with honey. I’ll roast asparagus serve with kettle cooked sweet potato chips. This is a meal I’ve made before, so I won’t necessarily be trying anything new, but it’s one of my favorite meals my mom makes. And they smell just delicious while cooking. However, this morning I found a Rachel Ray recipe for prosciutto wrapped chicken breasts stuffed with seasoned ricotta cheese, and I nearly drooled on my keyboard. This might have to be my next dinner attempt. And with that, I’m hungry for lunch—talk soon!

To warm plates around my new table,

Lia

Tables.

I’ve determined that nothing is sweeter than lounging on my couch on a chilly Sunday evening knowing that Monday is a bank holiday, and I can spend the day honoring the life of the brave MLK instead of waking up early and going to work. To those of you who have to work tomorrow, I’m so sorry. There are few perks to working at a bank, and this is one of them.

M and I had a great, cozy weekend together. He was kind enough to make the trip down here, and it felt so nice to not have to drive 4-plus hours on a Friday night. I decided that I wanted to make M a hearty winter dinner for when he arrived and a pot roast seemed like the perfect meal for the occasion. I hurried home from work to put the meat in my new apple-green dutch oven that I purchased this week. The roast cooked at a slow simmer while M was driving down to D.C., and when he arrived we had a warm and comforting meal together.

My timing might have been slightly backwards because we spent Saturday morning putting together my new table and chairs. Since I moved, I’ve been on the lookout for a small dining set  that fits in the small nook across from my kitchen. I finally found one that was delivered last week, so M and I put it together in our pajamas on Saturday morning. A table to me feels like an anchor. It makes my apartment feel more like home. It’s a place for gathering and eating, talking and comforting, laughing and crying. Food is one of my favorite things, and sharing food with the people I love is so comforting to me. Whether it’s a meal that I’ve made myself or spicy take-out from the Thai place around the corner or a microwaved LeanCuisine after a long day, food (and now my tiny dining table) is a place to unwind, relax and reflect on the day. Until now, I’ve mostly been eating my dinners on the coffee table across from the TV, which is nice when I want to catch-up on my DVR, but it also feels rushed, informal, distracting and uninviting. I’m so excited to gather people around my tiny table and serve them food I’ve made myself with a rich glass of red wine. Nothing sounds better.

Saturday night brought us a delicious Restaurant Week dinner at Occidental Grille downtown. It was so fun to get gussied up after spending the entire day in sweatpants and t-shirts. The food was delicious—my salmon was cooked to absolute perfection and M’s filet was tender and delicious. Dessert might have been the best part. Bread pudding might have been the greatest invention of whatever century it was created in. Mental note: need to learn how to make. After dinner we met up with one of M’s college friends at a karaoke bar and were thoroughly entertained for hours before I decided it was my bedtime and we headed home. (Let me add that it was after midnight when we left.)

Today was just as perfect, we slept in late and got huge breakfast sandwiches from a delicious bagel place down the street. Their savory “everything” bagels are stuffed with buttery fried eggs, thick-cut bacon and salty cheese, piled high and wrapped in wax paper so they stay warm until we’re back under blankets in the living room. This is my absolute favorite way to start a weekend morning. Luckily (or unluckily), there was plenty of football on all weekend, so we were never at a loss for something to watch. Too bad our Steelers didn’t make it, but it certainly makes the weekends less stressful for me!

Now I’m cuddled up on the couch watching romantic comedies and wondering what kind of take-out I should order for dinner. I’m thinking Thai….

To no-work Monday,

Lia

The year of twenty-five.

It seems like there’s been a renaissance among my group of friends this year. These are the women I’ve known since high school. Some of us go all the way back to the same elementary school. All of us went through middle and high school together. Many of us went to the same college. Some of us now live in the same city. Some of us now live far apart. But regardless, these are the ladies I count as some of my closest friends. In a lot of ways, I think our group is unique. All of us remained friends through high school, which is a feat in itself with all of the catty things teenage girls do to each other. We  stayed friends through college, always picked up in the same place over fall break, holidays and summer vacations. Now we’re women. Some of us are finishing graduate school. We’re student teaching, working, travelling. Some of us are buying houses, some of us are living at home, some of us are in tiny apartments—and I love how that even though we’re in such different places in our lives, we still share so many of the same stories and memories.

Even though our lives are vastly different at this point, this past year has brought me so much closer to these girls, even though I’ve moved away. I’ve seen a change in all of us over the past year. Something must happen in our third year out of college that transforms us into adults. We’ve become friends that truly, TRULY want to celebrate the joy, happiness and love in each other’s lives with not an ounce of jealousy, scorn or wishing that it was “mine.” I’m sure a lot of this was born in high school when we’re constantly comparing ourselves to our little group. Wondering if we’ll ever have a boyfriend, a SAT score or a butt as good as one of our friends. The comparison is exhausting and it makes us resent the parts of our friends that make them the beautiful people that they are.

But twenty-five has erased that for us. We’re simply just proud of each other. We’re all trying to become better people and supporting each other with the kind of friendship that lifts us up. We’ve become so much smarter, we’re more honest, and we’re easier to get along with. We’ve mellowed while becoming stronger women.

We’ve been through a lot together. We’ve been there for a lot of firsts in each other’s lives. We know the stories, the songs, the boyfriends, the parties, the heartbreaks that have shaped us into the women we are. We’ve cried together, we’ve called each other in the middle of the night, and we’ve driven (and flown) a lot of miles to see each other during good times and bad. We’ve taken vacations, road trips, slept in dorm rooms and had wine in each other’s kitchens. We have so many beautiful memories. Many of the things I know about the world I learned alongside these girls, and they’re still the first ladies I go to for book recommendations, new recipes, boy advice and spiritual guidance. I am blessed beyond belief to share these ladies in my life.

I’m so proud of where our little group of friends is at twenty-five. I can’t wait to see who we become in the next five years. We’ll be sharing so many new beginnings: weddings, babies, graduations, first jobs, new jobs, moves, new houses, new families. And I’m sure the next five years will bring us sad moments too. We’ll have our hearts broken, we’ll experience sickness and maybe death. There will be tears to dry, feelings to mend, cups of tea to brew and late night phone conversations. But I know we’ll be there for each other in a bigger and better way than we ever have before. If the past ten years have taught me anything it’s the reliability and the steadfastness of these ladies. No matter if it’s been five months, five days or five minutes, any one of my girlfriends will have my back, my hand and my heart without a question. I am so blessed.

To my beautiful friends,

Lia

2012 Book List

So in December I blogged about the books I read in 2011. Last year was a good reading year for me. I finished many wonderful stories in different genres. I read a lot of books that are “typical” for me, but I also branched out, took suggestions from friends, colleagues and the New York Times and found wonderful authors that I hope to read again and again.

I’m hoping for a lot more of the same in 2012. To keep me on track, I’ve complied a running list in my Erin Condren Life Planner of books I want to read this year. There’s no order or ranking, no alphabetization. There’s no saying I’ll even read all these books this year. Who knows? Maybe I’ll find a slew of books in a couple months so great that I push all these aside. Also, I’m known for hanging out around the New Fiction, Memiors and Clearance tables in Barnes & Noble which frequently pile me up with a stack of books that take precedence over whatever’s currently on my list. So don’t hold me to it, but here’s my reading list for 2012 (at least for now):

“The Marriage Plot” by Jeffrey Eugenides: I first discovered Eugenides last year reading “Middlesex,” one of my favorite books from 2011. He hasn’t come out with a new book in years, so his fans were eagerly anticipating this book late last year. I didn’t get to it last year, so I’m starting my year off with it now. I’m only about 50 pages in, but Eugenides has an amazing way of bringing characters to life and makes you relate to them in ways you never thought possible. Especially when they’re incredibly different from you. I already can’t take my eyes off this one!

“Bittersweet” by Shauna Niequist: So I actually cheated and started this book in 2011, but I didn’t finish it until 2012, so I think it’s fair to keep it on this year’s list. A friend introduced me to Shauna through an article she wrote for a Christian publication, and I was so in love that I had to find more. She’s written two novels, both of which are almost written blog-style and chronicle moments in her life when she found God, questioned God and downright refused God….but somehow always managed to find her way back. She’s a young mom, and for women in their twenties and thirties, I think it’s a great guide to learning how to live gracefully. PS—Her blogs states that she started writing her third book this month. You better believe I’ll be on the waiting list!

“All is Grace” by Brennan Manning, “Blue Nights” by Joan Didion and “The Language of Flowers” by Vanessa Diffenbaugh: If there’s any testament to how much I’m admiring Mrs. Niequist right now, it would be that these three books were all on her recommended reading list for 2011. I figure if I’m enjoying her own writing as much as I am, I should certainly look towards some of her favorite books for 2012. “Grace” is about struggles with God and addiction; “Flowers” is about the foster system in California; and I have no idea what “Nights” is about, but she said it was her favorite book of 2011, so I’m game!

“The Blue Sweater” by Jacqueline Novogratz: This was recommended to me by a dear friend with whom I share the same taste in books. She said she thought of me while reading this last year, so I’m trusting her and picking it up in 2012.

“Firefly Lane” by Kristin Hannah: I think this book came out a few years ago, and it was super-popular when it came out. I somehow missed it. (I have this problem where I decided that I’m not going to read the super-popular books because I’m “off-beat,” “quirky,” and “an individualist” in my reading style….but then I end up dying to read them and relinquish a year or two later. I’ve done this with Twilight and Harry Potter, too, don’t judge.)

“Songs Without Words” by Ann Packer: Ann wrote one of my favorite books of all time “The Dive From Clausen’s Pier” which I read the summer after I graduated high school. She’s only written a few novels, but I was excited to google her name and come up with this more recent title.

“In the Garden of Beasts” by Erik Larson came recommended by both the NYT Best Seller’s List and my father. I also needed to include some more non-fiction in my 2012 list. Based on the story of the U. S. Ambassador to Germany during Hitler’s reign, it’s his family’s story of being an American in Germany during such a controversial time.

“Simple Abundance” by Sarah Ban Breathnach: I had definitely heard of this book, but I didn’t really know what it was. I also thought it was for old people, not going to lie. But when one of my dearest friends told me it was on her reading list, I figured I should find out more. I’ve already ordered my copy on Amazon because it seems like just the kind of book I need for this time in my life. Stories collected from women, lifting each other up and encouraging each other every day of the year. It also seems like a good book to pick up and put down when we need an extra boost.

“The Magic Room” by Jeffrey Zaslow and “The Fall Back Plan” by Leigh Stein: I don’t know too much about these books either, but they’re on Oprah’s list of “Books to Watch For in 2012.” If they’re good enough for Oprah, they’re good enough for me!

To full Kindles,

Lia

Twenties.

I spent this weekend in Pittsburgh with M, and it’s beginning to feel like this is the normal of our lives. Four hours in the car on Friday and Sunday are routine. I’ve listened to more audiobooks than I ever thought I could handle and I’ve put more miles on my car than my lease suggests I should. (BTW—If you haven’t read Tina Fey’s “Bossypants,” get it on audiobook. Listening to her read it is even more hilarious.) But as much as I’m getting used to trekking down I-70 and I-76, I can’t help but feel a little frustrated. I thought at nearly 25 I’d have more of my life together. I thought I’d be feeling successful in a job that I was good at. I thought I’d have a boyfriend that lived in the same city. I thought I’d have a huge group of fabulous friends. I thought I’d have better hair, weigh less, be more self confident and more spiritual. I certainly thought a lot of things. What I didn’t bargain for was a job that I usually don’t feel very competent in, a relationship stretched over nearly 200 miles, a love/hate (but mostly love) relationship with the McDonald’s drive-thru and a full cabinet of hair products that don’t work.

I don’t know if it was the freshness and promise of a new year that doesn’t look like it’s going to bring forth change in my life or the aggravation of not finding a parking spot in the South Side for FORTY MINUTES on Friday night after being in the car for five hours, but in a lot of ways, this weekend felt like the bottom. I was frustrated and angry and unhappy with the way my life felt. I want to move home; I want to buy a house; I want to live with M; I want to be better at my job; I want to be more graceful about all of it. Instead of spent Friday night in a snotty, bawling, angry mess, which just made M more frustrated with me and certainly didn’t help us get to the bottom of our problems.

I think a lot of us feel like we should be more together at this point. It’s been nearly three years since we graduated college. That should be enough time for us to mature, find the jobs we want, be the people we want to be, find the people we want to share our lives with, right? We should be marrying, buying houses, contributing to our 401k’s, working our way up the corporate ladder. Right? Now, please don’t think I’m knocking any of you who are indeed doing these things. Honestly, I’m jealous of you. Keep it up. But what I want to say to those of us who aren’t, is that we don’t need to worry. We have the rest of our lives to do all of these things. There’s no age limit on getting married, buying your first house, starting a family, opening a 401k (though I do encourage getting started on the last item as quickly as you financially can). What we don’t have the rest of our lives to do is grow up. To learn who we are. To learn how to move through our lives with grace. To explore on our own, make big mistakes, resolve said mistakes. Our twenties are a limited time for us to turn ourselves into the people we want to be, however we might get ourselves to that place, and though there’s not a set time-frame on growing up, there’s something to be said for entering our next decade with a sense of self and responsibility.

So for me, I think that means that I need to use this time in D.C. away from M to learn about myself. If I’m lucky, I’m going to be with him for the rest of my life, but I only have these moments to be out there on my own. I need to enjoy these moments, bask on my tiny, sunny porch reading a book and drinking champagne because I can. I need to watch Bravo and eat take-out food on weeknights because at this moment, I have no other responsibility. I need to go to museums, eat at fancy restaurants, walk around my neighborhood because I might not ever live in D.C. again. I’m going to be content in these moments, take them in, even though in the bottom of my heart, I wish I were buying a townhome in suburban Pittsburgh. There will always be time for that.

To living this moment,

Lia