The Un-Eternal Optimist.

So I’ve been a little bit remiss in posting—mostly because I spent much of last week trying to catch up after being on vacation for a long weekend. I spent a lovely three days in New Orleans with two very dear friends, one new and one old. I guess, to clarify, both are very old friends, but one moved away ten years ago and we hadn’t reunited until last weekend. We had a fantastic time taking in the architecture, the culture, the food and the drinks….and we had plenty of time to catch up on both new and old developments in our lives. I was in deperate need of a little girlfriend TLC and NOLA was the perfect antidote. I can’t wait for our next reunion get-away!

Last week sped by with very little “to-do,” but I do have several updates:

1.     You’ll notice that I’ve changed the name of my blog. As much as I identify with the trifecta, this blog has unintentionally been a great way for me to quantify my disappointments and find a little bit of silver lining in a lot of situations that I had written off as dreary. A little extra time for reflection through blogging is helping me to find my optimism, so I wanted to reflect that in the blog title.

2.     My baby brother turned 21 this week!!!! I can’t even believe it! I got to celebrate with him in Pittsburgh this weekend, and we had a great time. Beers, shots, bombs and late night Primantis made for a perfect birthday celebration.

3.     I got to spend a pretty relaxing weekend with M in Pittsburgh. It never seems like enough time, but we got to eat, shop, relax and even see my parents. Luckily, I’m going to see him next weekend too—so it wasn’t TOO hard to say goodbye.

4.     On Friday, I was dreading the four hour drive to Pittsburgh. It was just the last thing I wanted to do at the end of a long week. However, at the last minute, I got the idea to download an audiobook on iTunes. It completely transformed my car ride. The four hours there and back passed much more pleasantly, and I was glad to have the company of a novel, especially through turnpike traffic.

I think that’s it for right now. I’ll look forward to more frequent updates this week!

To keeping up the optimism,

Lia

Theme Song.

Today I was in the gym after a long day at work. I was exhausted. I had a client dinner that went until 10 last night, and I didn’t sleep well after. Then, I had a customer come into my office this morning for a two hour meeting followed by a two hour lunch. I had been smiling and presenting and making this prospect feel comfortable with the Bank. So when it all ended, all I wanted to do was curl up under my desk and sleep. But my inbox was full of red font screaming back at me, my voicemail light was flashing and I had a note from my manager saying, “I’ve got a new one for you.”

I took a deep breath and plowed away for the next five hours, trying to make a dent in my inbox and accomplishing most of the items I had on my “to do” list scheduled for today. (I did, however, run to the basement to grab a Coke Zero out of the vending machine to power me through.)

So by 7 p.m. I was weary but decided to hit the gym anyway. After a few minutes on the elliptical, I was feeling much better. I was clearing my head, watching Wheel of Fortune and was more concerned with the pain in my shoulder than anything work-related. Then, just as I was getting ready to run the stairs, some 1990s Kenny Chesney came on my iPod. Great motivation. Three songs later I heard a few familiar bars from one of my favorite songs in college. “Woman With You” is a sweet and catchy song, and I’ve always liked it, but today was the first time I’ve heard it since I’ve become this new woman. The lyrics spoke to me in a way that I had never understood before. I instantly felt like I was that woman (especially when Kenny makes the bank reference….how did he know??). It also made me wonder how Kenny got so inside the mind of a woman to draft these lyrics—I’m betting he had a little help from an overwhelmed and overworked woman somewhere. Here are a portion of the lyrics:

She said, the girl I was with the business degree probably wouldn't recognize me.

I was gonna run the bank. I was gonna run the math.

Now all I want to run is a bubble bath.

Back then, you know, I had this plan. Before all of this reality set in.

Here comes life, boy, ready or not.

Hey, I wanted it all and that's what I got.

Cause I'm gopherin’, chauffeuring, company chairman. Coffee maker, Copy repairman.

Anymore there ain't nothing, I swear man, that I don't do.

Been juggling, struggling, closing big deals. Dancing backwards in high heels.

Just when it feels like I can't make it through.

She said, it sure is nice to just be the woman with you.

This crazy woman is me. I’m sure of it. I prayed and wished and tried so hard for everything that I have right now: a fantastic job that pays more money than any 24-year-old is worth, a cozy apartment that’s just mine in a lovely neighborhood, enough money to order takeout a few nights a week and fund my shopping sprees at Loft right down the street, a multitude of responsibility (work and otherwise) and a comfortable life that I’ve come to enjoy.

But sometimes (actually most of the time, more recently), all I want to do is curl up on the couch with M, watch a movie and not think about any of these great things that I’ve tried so hard for. I spent the first 18 months of my career trying so hard to get myself to this place, and now that I’m here, all I want is to forget about all of it whenever I can. Sometimes this makes me feel pathetic and ungrateful. And sometimes it just makes me feel like a need a strong drink, a mani/pedi and DVR of every show on Bravo.

However, what I think it should mean is that I am a lucky, lucky lady. Even though I’m exhausted and at the end of my rope on a daily basis, I’ve proved to myself that hard work and determination will take me to where I want to be. I’ve shown myself how to deal with big changes (and little ones) and how to be graceful and calm when I feel like breaking down (alright, not always graceful and calm, but most of the time or at least a valiant effort).

And M is a constant reminder that life and love always trump money and work, which is something I sometimes need help remembering. We’re always trying to strike a balance between the opposing forces in our lives, and I’m trying to remember that we don’t always need to stand perfectly in the middle to be happy and successful.

To good, old Kenny,

Lia

The Bach.

So I’m watching the Bachelorette which I’m currently hating myself for. I have a personal aversion to all versions of the Bachelor/Bachlorette, and I generally refuse to watch it. I usually can’t get through five minutes of the show before cringing at the staged responses and stupid love-sick games. Honestly—who falls in love on TV? Who’s okay with dating like ten men at once and then getting engaged like five weeks later? It just isn’t realistic. I don’t buy it.

But today I started watching at the gym because I got there a little late and my typical 7pm game shows were over. I decided to give it a chance because I was trying to distract myself from a. the fact that I worked until 8p.m. and b. running for 30 minutes on the treadmill after an exhausting day. Regardless, back to the issue. So I’m watching Ashley with all these boys, and it’s just making me really sad for her. It must be so hard to really evaluate how you feel about four different men when each of them is vying for your attention and you’re juggling a jam-packed schedule with dates and visits and all the stuff the comes with being on a TV show. How do you find love in all that?

It makes me think about how M and I fell in love. It was so easy. We didn’t have to compete with 16 others for attention. We got to learn about each other in private, slowly at our own pace. Our first kiss was just the two of us—not millions of viewers. And we didn’t have to decide after one or two or even three dates if we were going to get married. When you put it like that—how could we not fall in love? Right?

So I don’t think I’m going to continue watching The Bachelorette, even though the rest of America seems to be obsessed with finding Ashley’s future husband. She’s a cute girl, and she seems honest, fun and lovely—but her love is her business, not mine. Instead, I’m going to spend Monday nights remembering how fortunate I am to have M and enjoying our relationship. We don’t need a million viewers to tell us how lucky we are.

To turning off the TV,

Lia

Relaxation.

I cannot wait to relax this weekend. This week has been extremely stressful at work, and I feel like I haven’t had a moment to close my eyes and take a deep breath. Luckily, I’m looking forward to every minute of this weekend. My two cousins are coming in town to visit, and I can’t wait to catch up with them and enjoy.

I’ve never had sisters, so my cousins Jackie and Steph are the closest thing I’ve got. Actually, none of us have sisters, and we’ve grown up so close together (even those I’ve always lived apart from them). When we’re together, it seems like we never miss a beat. We’re eating and drinking and gossiping and just enjoying each other’s company like we’ve done it every day for the past 24 years. Needless to say, I can’t wait for them to get here. Stephanie and I have grown up especially close together being only a few months apart, and as we’ve gotten older, Jackie has become part of our close friendship, even though she’s a few years younger.

The last time the three of us spent a weekend together alone was in 2008, so this visit is long overdue. We lost Steph’s dad earlier this year, so our whole family has been focused on grief and getting through that extremely difficult time that we haven’t done anything fun together in awhile. I’m hoping this weekend is a chance for us to take in some of the city while enjoying each other and the beautiful weather.

I’m looking forward to not thinking about work and just enjoying the company of my cousins/sisters this weekend.

To turning off the Blackberry,

Lia

College memories.

One day this week, I ended up looking through all of my pictures from college. It was fun to revisit all of my best and worst college memories, but it has me thinking about how much has changed since graduating from Penn State.

1.     Sometimes I thought college was stressful--especially when I had a lot of papers and exams and internships and committee meetings. None of that compares to my stress level on a daily basis now. I’m relatively sure I should be on some type of blood pressure medication to compensate for all the stress this job causes.

2.     I am extremely lame. There were times in college when I would go out 4-5 nights a week and not think anything of it. Now, I barely go out once a week, and I try to come home by midnight. (NOTHING good happens after midnight.) Occasionally, I’ll have a beer on a work night, and I usually only get through half of it before falling asleep on the couch. How did I become 45 so quickly? Actually, I know a lot of 45 year olds who are more fun than me.

3.     I used to be so skinny! I never thought about how much I walked in college, but sitting at a desk all day has definitely made it more difficult to be active. I’m going to need to keep trying harder at the gym to get back to that.

4.     I had way better clothes. In every picture, I was wearing a different dress or outfit. I also had 3 roommates to share wardrobes with. Now that I live alone, I’m just stuck with my same old pant suits and cardigans.

5.     I had such a great circle of friends in college. I was involved with several different organizations and had many groups of wonderful friends. There was always something going on and someone to hang out with. Now, most of my closest friends live in different cities. I’m lucky to have a few great girlfriends in DC, but our time together is much more limited because we’re all working and on different schedules. I’ve been learning to spend much more time with myself, which I think is important—especially as we get older.

In thinking about that final point, spending time with myself has really helped me to grow over the past two years. College is such a rush and passes so quickly, that we don’t have much time to really contemplate who we are and how we want to form our lives. Life settles down so quickly after college, and we’re left with all this time to think about who we are, who we want to be and how we’re going to get ourselves there. All these possibilities are scary when we’re left alone with our own thoughts. In college, everyone makes these possibilities sound so ambitious and exciting and brimming with opportunity, but when you really get down to charting your own course, it’s tough to make big decisions. Luckily for me, the path to big decisions (like moving to DC) has been paved with a lot of assistance from mentors at work and support from friends and family, so the decisions have been a little easier with their reassurance.

But for now, I’m going to bravely move forward, acknowledging that there are so many changes in our lives, that it’s often not worth getting caught up in big or little decisions. Luck, circumstance, God and our relationships guide us through life, for better or worse, one way or another.

To remembering to take it easy,

Lia

Catching up.

I feel like I’ve just been running, running, running for a week straight. It’s finally catching up with me, and I’m really exhausted. This past week was actually pretty good, work-wise and otherwise. A four day week is certainly always an improvement, and I got to spend two of those days in southern VA calling on customers. It was a lot of driving, but it was definitely nice to get out of the office for a few days.

Then I spent the weekend in Pittsburgh with my lovely family. As much as I always want to spend time at home, it’s sometimes difficult because there are so many people I want to see, and I don’t always have time to make it happen. But this weekend, I made plans to see a dear old co-worker, my “little sister,” my old roommate, my cousin and her husband. I had such a relaxing and fun time with all of them, and I was so happy to get to spend some time with these people. To make the weekend even better, M came home from his camping trip early, so I got to spend Saturday night and all day Sunday with him. It was such a fantastic and unexpected surprise. He’s just too good to me.

Unfortunately, on Sunday I had to move out of my Pittsburgh apartment. While I’m glad to not be shelling out the rent anymore, it was so depressing to clean out the apartment and get it ready for the new roommate to move in. It felt like my last physical tie to the city I grew up in was cut. I suppose now I’m exclusively a Virginia resident. As much as I love living and working in the District, I will always feel as though a part of me belongs in Pittsburgh.

Regardless, this past week helped me start to think that maybe this current arrangement is going to be okay. Maybe I’ll be okay living on my own in this city. Maybe I’ll figure out a way to get more enjoyment out of my job. Maybe M and I will find a way to make this relationship work—at least for the interim. This week gave me a little hope that I can handle this. I’m trying to make those fleeting feelings get me through this week. Sometimes I let myself get so caught up in all the little things that go wrong that I forget to acknowledge all the big things I have.

A cozy little apartment. A good paying job. Good health. A wonderful and handsome boyfriend. A loving family. Beautiful and kind friends.

And I forget to acknowledge the little things I have.

FrozenYo right across the street from work. Dry cleaning service in my apartment building. A mom car. A gym in my work building. A new coffee maker (even though I don’t drink coffee). A great Thai restaurant 100 feet away.

To yogurt for lunch and Thai for dinner,

Lia

A Beautiful Wedding Weekend.

I spent this long holiday weekend at Hidden Valley with M and his family. His cousin was marrying her high school sweetheart, and it was an occasion for his whole family to get together to celebrate. M’s parents are both one of eight children. That’s right, eight. Crazy eight. I was a little bit nervous about spending the whole weekend with his family, especially spending three nights under one roof with his parents, brother and two sisters. I love them dearly, but they all are very intense personalities—and that doesn’t even include the aunts. It’s such a striking difference from my small family of four who, for the most part, get along really well, are fairly even-tempered and enjoy the same types of activities that don’t include smoking cigars or finishing every bottle of liquor in the cabinet. (Ok, sometimes finishing every bottle of liquor in the cabinet.)

So my patience was wearing a little thin by the time we got the reception. The bride was beautiful and the country scenery was a lovely setting for a wedding, especially the wide back patio that allowed some outdoor space for getting away from the dance floor. However, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking that if I ever get lucky enough to marry M, this is what my wedding will be like. Underage cousins drinking from flasks under the table, crude uncles making unsightly remarks ladies presence, little kids running around during the toast. Ugh.

This was stressing me out for most of the weekend. I felt like I couldn’t fully enjoy the presence of his family when I was constantly wondering if all the shouting and swearing and arguing was going to be my life for the rest of my life. It was completely overwhelming.

I had a lot of time to think on my drive back to Virginia today. I was thinking about my future and my relationship with M. We live four hours apart, and it’s sometimes so exhausting to put in the effort every day to make our phone calls energetic enough to make up the distance. Both of us struggle with not seeing each other very frequently and ensuring that our relationship doesn’t suffer because of the distance. But the drive got me thinking about how our long distance relationship forces us to prove to each other that we truly are willing to go the distance for each other—both literally and figuratively. We’re willing to give up weekends with our friends to spend an uninterrupted 48 hours together. We’re willing to spend eight of those 48 hours in the car driving in impossible D.C. traffic or horrible snowstorms to get to each other. We’re willing to give up our weeknight TV shows to talk to each other. We leave happy hours early, and we are forced to deal with hard situations on our own instead of leaning on each other like most couples.

All of these hardships made me think about how willingly M’s family made me part of their family. I don’t see them very often, and I know it’s really hard for M’s mom to let go of her oldest son. Regardless, they have included me in family picnics, birthdays, weddings and Sunday dinners from day one without any question. Aside from an awkward first meeting (that was really more M’s fault than anyone’s), they have welcomed me into their home like a fifth child and make every effort to accommodate me. They’re not afraid to argue in front of me, and they’ve introduced me to extended family like one of their own. All of M’s aunts know me by name and welcome me with hugs and kisses every time. That’s more than I can say for my family. My parents love M, but he has yet to meet any of my extended family, and he doesn’t always get the invite to our family outings.

So I’m learning to love the loudness, the bigness and the occasional inappropriateness of M’s crazy family. If I’m lucky enough to eventually marry into this family, I know that they will love me like a daughter unconditionally, even if the wedding has a few awkward moments. That’s really all we can ask for, right? A big family, even a big crazy family, means a lot of love and a lot of people to lean on. All of us can use more of that, that’s for sure.

To always accepting love,

Lia

PS—If M saw all this crazy talk about weddings, he would freak. That’s for sure! J