What's good for us?

Wow, it’s already February. I can’t say that I’m sorry that the winter is flying by because I most certainly will not miss the snow and ice that have descended upon us this winter. I am anxiously awaiting mornings when I don’t want to cry on the short walk from the car to the gym. But at the same time, it’s already February! I’ve been back in Pittsburgh for three months and living with M for two of those. I bought a house, I moved my life, I started a new job, we celebrated M’s birthday, Christmas and New Years. We’ve done a lot in such a short, short period of time. And I think we’ve been really happy. We’ve had a lot more time for talking and hanging out. We’ve had dinner together almost every night. We snuggle in bed and have watched nearly every episode of Homeland OnDemand (how good is it??).

But one of the things I wasn’t anticipating about moving back to Pittsburgh and moving in with M is the constant pressure on time. In the presence of so many more people that I love, I’m constantly feeling the pressure to divide my time equally, to see everyone I’ve been missing, to make up for living somewhere else for four years. I want to do all of these things, and I love all of these people, but as someone who just got off a two year stint with barely any friends and an apartment all to herself, I’m stressed out! I’m used to not having plans after work, eating dinner alone and overindulging in weeknight television. I’m used to reading and silence and take-out. This is a whole new world.

I know this sounds whiny. I should be grateful! This is what I’ve wanted. This is what I changed my life for. And I’m so grateful. I’m filled with happiness that my ability to be with my friends and family is constrained only by time and not by distance. But it’s an adjustment, and I’m learning.

Perhaps the bigger challenge of time has been a little bit more internal. Now that M and I are roommates, there’s pressure to go out with our friends, to have people over, to get a dog, to take the next steps in our relationship. And everyone has an opinion about this. But what I’m trying to focus on today is identifying and abiding by what is good for us. What we have defined as our path in our relationship, how we want to spend our time, the folks we want to associate ourselves with.

There’s a saying that says “if you stand up for nothing, you will fall for anything.” I always found it a little cheesy and irrelevant in my life, but now I can really see the truth in it. We need to stand up for our relationship and our own beautiful path that is guided by no one other than ourselves and God. If we don’t make conscious, specific decisions about our time, our days, the content of our lives, we will fall victim to whatever the world “thinks” we should do. We’ll be standing in bars that we don’t like with people who don’t lift us up on a path to nowhere in particular. Shauna says that your 20s are years for determining who you are and what the rest of your life will become. So that’s what we need to do. We need to stand up for us. We need to make time for the things we want to do. We need to live the lives that makes us the happiest without worrying about what everyone else thinks of our decisions.

While writing this, I’ve been thinking of a lot of lovely things, but the loveliest I think is the idea of us. That I can finally use us in terms of a life, and not just a long-distance relationship.

To us,

Lia