Last night I got myself up on the treadmill to the sad
realization that summer television is really awful. I had already watched three
episodes of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” which is currently my cable
obsession. And unfortunately A&E wasn’t airing “Storage Wars,” which has
somehow become my treadmill go-to. I hadn’t uploaded new music or created a new
playlist, so I turned to my only option left…audiobooks. Ya’ll know I love
audiobooks, but they’re mostly reserved for long car rides alone. Something to
keep my attention more closely than the radio or silence. But I’ve been feeling
cranky and unusual, so I thought a good dose of my girl Shauna could help.
Now, I understand that most people don’t turn to Christian
self-help while on the treadmill. Most of you listen to something slightly more
upbeat or mindless while watching the digital timer tick down the minutes on
the display, but when you’re at the bottom, nowhere to go but up, right?
So I turned on Shauna’s second book, “Bittersweet,” and by
the second essay, I was getting exactly what I needed. I’m going to share some
of my favorite moments from this excerpt with you because it is so powerfully
true about this season in my life and a welcome reminder about how God gets us
through the bitter and the sweet.
“Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do
need both the bitter and the sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness
rots both your teeth and your soul. Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces
us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and the callouses
on our hands. Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full
of depth and complexity. Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, earthy.”
“This is what I’ve come to believe about change: it’s good,
in the way that childbirth is good, and heartbreak is good, and failure is
good. By that I mean that it’s incredibly painful, exponentially more so if you
fight it, and also that it has the potential to open you up, to open life up,
to deliver you right into the palm of God’s hand, which is where you wanted to
be all along, except that you were too busy pushing and pulling your life into
exactly what you thought it should be.”
“I believe that faith is less like following a GPS through a
precise grid of city blocks, and more like being out at sea: a tricky journey,
nonlinear and winding, the wind kicking up and then stalling. But what I really
wanted in the middle of it all was some dry land and a computer-woman’s
soothing voice leading me through the mess. If I’m honest, I prayed the way you
order breakfast from a short-order cook: this is what I want. Period. Aren’t
you getting this? I didn’t pray for God’s will to be done in my life, or, at
any rate, I didn’t mean it. I prayed to be rescued, not redeemed. I prayed for
it to get easier, not that I would be shaped in significant ways. I prayed for
the waiting to be over, instead of trying to learn something about patience or
anything else for that matter.”
So there, as a sweaty mess breathlessly pounding the rubber,
I began to think about grace. So many times I’ve listed my grievances out for
God one by one, making sure He knew how displeased I was with the present
course. I told Him I was tired of waiting for the next job, the next city, the
next season, the next happiness. I asked Him how he could leave me here without
my family, without my closest friends, without M. I’ve blamed Him for my
situation and asking Him what the heck he was waiting for to deliver me to
something better than this. But not once have I asked him to shape me in ways
that will change my life. I haven’t asked for grace or redemption or patience
or forgiveness. And if I have, I certainly haven’t opened my life in acceptance
to any of it.
And that’s not only true in my relationship with God. I’ve
done a lot of blaming and hating and judging and begrudging at work and at home
and in my best relationships. I’ve let my bitterness for this season seep into
every aspect of my life instead of allowing the changes to work within me and
around me. In another part of Shauna’s book she writes, “If you dig in and
fight the changes, they will smash you to bits. They’ll hold you under, drag
you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you. But if you can find it within
yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the
goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you’ll find
yourself drawn along to a whole new place, and there’s truly nothing sweeter.”
So tonight, even though it’s late, I’m getting back on the
treadmill. I’m trying to be mindful and thoughtful and gracious and calm. And
letting God’s will be done.
To loving the bitter and the sweet,
Lia
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