Random thoughts for February.

February is a funny month. It’s a few days shorter. It’s usually the coldest month of the year, but this year we’ve been treated to weather that’s downright balmy. (Does this mean we’re slated for snow in April??? I hope not!) February means Valentine’s Day, which is either super exciting or super depressing or super irrelevant depending on where you are in your love life.

I’m feeling just as funny as February this month. I’m in year two of my new job, which should mean that I’m feeling more confident, more prepared and more graceful…but instead I’m questioning what I’m doing more than ever. It’s a feeling of starting over after the excitement of the holidays is over. Summer still seems a long way off, and achieving my sales goal feels like a picnic WAY on the other side of the mountain. I like picnics.

February is also a bitter month this year because just twelve short months ago we lost my uncle to a six year battle with brain cancer. That least year was hard and sad, and I wasn’t even around for the vast majority of it. My aunt and my cousins were tested in ways that rocked them to their core. Our family was changed in ways that we never imagined, and I think this past year has brought us closer together even though it’s brought us such bitter sadness, too. I know Uncle Reid is watching over us, and I feel him in little whispers when I need to be more brave or strong or voice my opinion. He was many things that I’m not, and I really believe that he’s the one giving me strength in moments when I don’t have enough of it myself.

Even Valentine’s Day this year isn’t looking too bright. I wouldn’t consider myself a hopeless romantic by any means (just ask M), but if forced, I would choose love over “not love.” (Gosh, that sounded downright grinchy.) But love on a workday when M is far away while I’m spending the most romantic weekend of the year doing art projects with bussed in children from local community programs at the Air & Space Museum doesn’t exactly scream fantastic love. Fantastic love is fancy dinners with rose petals and diamond rings and lacy undergarments that are pulled off carelessly after one too many glasses of Prosecco. That’s not the kind of Valentine’s Day I’m in for this year. I know, I know…super pity party. (M, hopefully you’re taking this paragraph with a grain of salt…if you’ve made it this far.)

Usually this is where I’d start writing about how among all these miserable burdens of February, there’s still a little silver lining that makes all the heartache worth it. I know that’s what you’re waiting for. But for this month, I think I’m just going to have to leave February in the shadows. Sometimes life just really is sad. Sometimes we need to grieve and remember and smile when we can. This year, February feels like loss, but I’m not giving up hope for next February. I know March will bring happier times, but for February, I’m just focusing on getting through it all. And remembering.

To love and loss in February,

Lia